I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
