Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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