I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
