when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
