rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
