i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
