So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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