my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
sex in a hospital.. check
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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