My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
