fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
