Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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