At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
