The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
