your parents love me but you hate me
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
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