meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
