Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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