I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My hand turned me down
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
