The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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