My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
