yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
why do cheetos always look like penises
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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