babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
