I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
