i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
