She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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