Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
