she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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