my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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