I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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