I'm really into asian looking animals
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
