There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
