I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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