So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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