Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
