I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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