he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
