dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
