please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
