The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
