I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
4 words: hood of his car
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Enjoy the penises
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
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