I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
