Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
