you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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