she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
