She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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