dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
