drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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