I wanna bring you to show and tell
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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