i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
