Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
