She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
