Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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