Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
why didn't you poke me back
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
